21 September 2011
REVIEW: Pride and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts by Mitzi Szereto
Pride
and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts
Mitzi Szereto
ISBN #: 978-1573446631
Publisher
Name: Cleis Press
Date Released: July 2011
Genre: Romance/Jane Austen
Fan Fic
Book
Format: Kindle Version
Kindle
Price: $8.99
BACK COVER BLURB:
Imagine
that Jane Austen had written the opening line of her satirical novel Pride and
Prejudice this way: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single
man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a good romp and a good
wife — although not necessarily from the same person or from the opposite
sex." In Pride and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts Mr. Darcy has never been more
devilish and the seemingly chaste Elizabeth never more turned on.
The
entire cast of characters from Austen's classic is here in this rewrite that
goes all the way. This time Mr. Bingley and his sister both have designs on Mr.
Darcy's manhood; Elizabeth's bff Charlotte marries their family's strange
relation and stumbles upon a secret world of feminine relations more to her liking;
and, in this telling, men are not necessarily the the only dominating sex. And
of course there's some good old fashioned bodice ripping that shows no pride or
prejudice and reveals hot hidden lusts in every page-turning chapter.
COVER SNARK:
This
cover is actually pretty. I liked it.
FIRST LINES:
When news reached Mrs. Bennet that Netherfield Park was to be let to a young gentleman in possession of a good fortune, she determined to make him a husband to one of her five daugthers.
LYNETTE'S TWO CENTS:
Dear
Lord, where do I begin?
Okay,
everyone knows that my not so secret vice is Pride and Prejudice adaptations.
My favorites are ones where Darcy and Elizabeth show their love for each other
(umm, get there grove on, have sex, do the nasty). However, nothing prepared me
for this.
PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE: HIDDEN LUSTS was crazy for coco puffs, completely lacking in
reason and common sense. Yet, I was entertained. Granted my entertainment was
more along the lines of "Dear Lord, no she didn't. Dear Lord, no this
isn't happening. Dear Lord, this is the stupidest, craziest, thing I have ever
read. Dear Lord, this is Pride and Prejudice, is nothing scared?" Yet, I
couldn't stop reading.
The
only way I can make my review coherent, or for you to understand what I mean is
to go character by character and give you their sexual vices. This is full of spoilers,
because I'm giving you each characters kinks.
Mr.
Bennet: He loves to enter woman in their 'hind quarters.' Since Mrs. Bennet
refused to do this, he has discovered special drawings of woman with things
sticking out of their hindquarters. When he is in the library ignoring his family
he is getting himself off and bankrupting his family by paying for these
pictures. He eventually gets tired of the pictures and carves out a piece of
butternut squash to resemble a woman's internal parts (I'm trying to be
delicate here, people!) where he sticks his wee wee. Of course, he is so exuberant
that the squash is quickly destroyed, so he ends up banging Mrs. Hill.
Mrs.
Bennet: Mrs. Bennet's love of officers back in the day resulted in Jane.
Horrified by her husband's sexual impulses, she goes and buys potions from the
gypsy's which makes her crazy for coco puffs and goggly-eyed.
Caroline
Bingley: It was weird because the author had her addressed as Lady Caroline,
with no reason why? Caroline loves to take a switch to men's booty's while the
man is attending to her vajayjay with his mouth. Her best customer is Mr.
Hurst, though she really wants Mr. Darcy but he keeps refusing her, which is
driving her crazy.
Charles
Bingley: He has a thing for Mr. Darcy. His favorite occupation is getting Darcy
drunk and then while Darcy is passed out climbing in Darcy's bed and sucking on
Darcy's weewee.
Lady
Catherine: She is a Dom. When people don't do what she thinks they should do,
she puts them in stockades and whips them while she's wearing some weird black
get up.
Mr.
Collins: Is gay. His favorite past time is running about sucking on other men's
wee wees so vigorously that he knocks out his teeth.
Charlotte
Lucas: Is gay. She wants Lizzy, but Lizzy is too clueless to realize it,
despite Charlotte constantly feeling her up. She has others who she is involved
with but can't get over her craving for Lizzy.
Mr.
Wickham: He ended up running off with Georgiana. He used her money to open up
several whorehouses and sent Georgiana to go and work in them, where Darcy
found out and rescued her. He is in the militia recruiting. He tells Elizabeth
that it's Darcy who was the owner and Darcy who sent Georgiana off to work in
them.
Lydia
Bennet: Likes to get off humping inanimated objects to her family's horror. She
also humps officers, two and three at a time. She runs off with Wickham and
when they are forced to marry, she has no problem working in Mr. Wickham's
place of business.
Mary
Bennet: Tries to attract Mr. Collins attention by stuffing apples down her
dress. She also goes to the gypsy's for potions that has adverse effects.
Elizabeth
Bennet: Once she meets Mr. Wickham she starts finding stuff to insert inside
her to get herself off. She doesn't seem to get that Lydia is a hussy despite
all the noises she makes in her room and what she does to any piece of
furniture she passes.
Fitzwilliam
Darcy: When he proposes to Elizabeth the first time he takes out his wee wee
and strokes it, which prompts Elizabeth to umm . . . kiss it until the desired
result occurs. LOL. I couldn't read that scene without thinking of Colin Firth
and Jennifer Ehle doing the same thing.
Okay,
can you understand why I thought PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: HIDDEN LUSTS was crazy
for coco puffs?
Despite
all the erotica (and this is erotica and not an erotic romance), and my horror/fascination at the way such beloved characters were protrayed, it was still
flat for me. It's because there was a lack of emotion. It was all about the sex
and not about any emotions between Darcy and Elizabeth. I couldn't feel the
deep connection that Darcy and Elizabeth have with each other. So despite my
google eyed read, I was in the end disappointed.
WHERE PURCHASED:
Purchased
with my own money.
RATING:
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6 people posted their 2 cents:
I am rather speechless and this is getting the biggest lol ever out of me
@Blodeuedd
I seriously read the whole book with my mouth hanging open! LOL!
Ever since seeing your GoodRead updates, I've been waiting for you to post this. :-) Now generally, I don't read erotic, erotica, historicals, or re-imagined classics, but I think I've got to get this one.
@LaTessa
I'm not saying it wasn't entertaining, it was. But it was mostly OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG. LOL! You have to read it, but don't expect greatness.
There are no words for the what you have just described. I just don't even know. Lol. I wonder what would happen if I gave this to someone as a gift. Haha...
@Alexis
It takes someone with a very special sense of humor to appreciate receiving this book as a gift. LOL.